greggandcyndi

peace in the...

this of course is the time of year we sing, "peace on earth..." i want peace in my heart...

i know you feel it too. you know you're doing the right things, the good things, but still, you have moments and periods of unrest, waking up worried about something, or dreaming about things you feel you should be able to let go of.  this is something i pray about quite often and while i pray about it, i don't always stop to listen to what God might be telling me.

so i asked, and He started showing me: sometimes i want to be in an area of ministry i enjoy becaue i want to enjoy it, not because i long to see people change or served.  ouch.  that hurt, cause it's true, then about peace He told me:

there is peace in serving others

can you see it?  i sometimes, maybe more like often, have a problem with meeting my needs before others, which is the opposite of serving.  in other words, God is telling me to stop worrying about peace, which seems stupid in the first place, and focus my attention on others, and in serving others, i will find peace.

why can't He just give me peace?  answer: because He wants me to be His peace in the lives of others.

completely and totally unbelievable

it is completely and irrevocably inconcievable that pastor ted haggard had a homosexual affair and used methanphedamines, but today an email was released saying that pastor ted had admitted to some wrongdoing, but was not specific about what wrong was admitted to. 

i literally feel like i'm going to wake up any minute.  i woke up this morning and had to ask myself if i had been dreaming all the accusations.  it is just so unbelievable.

i am charging all those who read this to pray for pastor ted haggard, his wife and his 5 children (4 boys and 1 girl). 

i have never met and gotten to learn from, on a consistant basis, someone i respected more as a christian leader, teacher and pastor than ted haggard.  we know that what is revealed about his involvement in the coming days, will effect his influence and leadership in the kingdom of God.  we are praying, that even though a sin is a sin, that he was only involved in a minor and explainable way, so that he will be able to maintain a level of leadership and authority in the church.  this is a man far too wise to lose and to disappear completely from the church.

pray.  pray in the name of Jesus.  pray in the Spirit without ceasing.  mourn with those who mourn.  rejoice with those rejoicing.  pray.

new life

reading acts today, came across the story where some of the apostles were put in jail and in the middle of the night, they were freed by an angel and told to go the the temple courts and "tell the people the full message of this new life."

why is it so hard to give life?

at church, pastor ted talks about the difference between living in the tree of good and evil and living in the tree of life.  in one, you see people through the eyes of constant earthly evaluation, and through the other, you see christ.  it's like in 2 cor 5 when it says we no longer look at people in the flesh.  why is it so hard to live in the tree of life?  oh yeah, we are fallen, sinful and depraved, but is that good enough of an excuse when you are supposed to have christ in you?

where are you on the pendulum?  closer to seeing things through good and evil, or life?  i feel like i dish out the good and evil.  i long so much to be given life, but i struggle so with giving it.  i remember when the song 'i am free' came out, i didn't like it.  then the newsboys started doing it and i still didn't like it.  it got to the point i could here the holy spirit telling me i should like this song, so i asked God, "why don't i like this song?"  clear as day, i heard God say to me in my head....

BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT FREE! 

it hurt to hear that.  but it was true.  to a certain extent, it still is true.  but not as true.

God give me freedom and the ability to give freedom.  God, give me life, and the ability to give life.

why the bears coming back to win from a 0-20 deficit lets me know i'll be alright

i don't know if you were watching last night, but the bears made the greatest comeback ever to beat the cardinals 24-23 to remain undefeated. 

now, honestly people, there is no reason the bears should have won that game after being down 0-20, but this game gives me hope in a strange way. 

see, sometimes, even if you don't score any points with your offense, the other parts of your team come through and pull out the win for you.  this is the way i feel.  i often feel like rex grossman, throwing interception after interception, fumbling the football, leaving the opponent with incredible field position.  but i have a team.

i have a friend that lives in new york now that used to say he was getting into heaven on the coat tails of his wife, and he is probably right...i think i am probably in the same boat.  i have a great team.  it is hard to think i could have a better wife or a better son.  i am the luckiest man alive. 

the bears didn't get it done in all phases of the game, but i know that you can win even when one phase is out.  that makes me smile.  it's time to be happy.  it's been a long since i've been consistantly happy, and it's time.  i have everything going for me, and next week rex will do better, and i know that my team will win.

the return of the kingdom

i've been trying to get back to myself lately, doing things i used to do...thinking about things i used to think.  thus, i am reading this.  it's the newest book by brian mclaren.  it's all about the kingdom of God.  what it is today, what it was to the jews, why it isn't talked about, how to embrace it and what the world could be if we did.

i remember talking and thinking about the kingdom of God all the time when we were doing ministry with gene and juli.  it was what we dreamt about, seeing the kingdom of heaven form around us and being agents of change for the world, subverting culture, redeeming the dejected.  i want my brain to hurt and stretch with these thoughts again, and my heart to swell with the many emotions that come with wanting to be a real part of the kingdom, worthlessness, but willing to be used, being dirty but shining, being scared but excited, lost but moving in a definite direction, broken but healing while helping to heal.

this book is bringing the stretch marks on my brain back.  slowly, but still.  i want to be a part of his kingdom coming on earth.  by that i don't mean i want to be known, but that i want to know.  i long to feel the static on my neck.  the fear of NOT acting.  the joy of trying. 

i think about the people that live in the trailer park in coal valley we have done service projects for.  i think about living among them.  i wonder what could be for that community.  i wonder if the next donald miller, (i am at the elca national youth gathering right now and donald miller will be speaking tonight at the conference and you can get the live stream of it at this site,) or the next Paul, or the next david crowder, or the next gene reynolds, lives there. 

coal valley is interesting, because it is the fastest growing area in our parts, but it is diverse in the sense that a great deal of it is 100,000-400,000 houses, but then they have this trailer park that needs groups to come and fix it up.  how does the kingdom play out in coal valley? 

as i'm sitting thinking of what to type next, the thought, "the lord is a warrior" runs through my head.  what that has to do with this, i'm not sure...feel free to chime in and tell me what i'm missing, but i thought i should write it.

jesus brought the kingdom to earth.  it is hear and among us.  can you see it.  i choose to be blind and not take part, or squint and do what i want to do.  oh where did i go?  where have we gone?  what have we done?  but more so, what will we do?  thy kingdom come and thy will be done.  do it through me oh jesus.  lead me not into tempation.  deliver me from the evil one.  forgive.  i will forgive.  come like you promised.  but before you fulfill that promise, help me be a part of the bringing you already brought.  the kingdom is among us.  open my eyes.

the poison vine

so poison ivy is from hell.  i don't think anyone will challenge me all that much on that one.  i have poison ivy.  it's from hell.

it's got me thinking...poison ivy is exactly like sin...sin is exactly like poison ivy, except that one you have from birth, and the other you pick up along the way...occasionally...more often that you want.

no, seriously.  poison ivy is just like sin.  let's talk about it...i think this because of what i've experienced that last week.  every time i can't stop itching, or wake up in the middle of the night itching, or want to stop bleeding because i'm itching, i think about how much this feels like my sin pattern.

you know...you stay out of sin for a while and then you step in it, or stumble upon it, or have to go get a disc-golf disc out of the poison ivy filled forestry that is camden park, or you see it and intentionally rub it all over your face...then shortly after you feel the itch, the desire to act.  you think about it for a second, thinking 'it's just an itch, i know i was near poison ivy, but this probably won't do anything.'  then the next day, or sooner, you see the results of your itching.  a small little blistery like rash on some part of your epidermis that reminds you of a cold sore, and you remember the first itch.  you remember thinking you had been in poison ivy so you probably shouldn't itch it, but you did itch it and now...now you're screwed.

did you know that the oil that causes the rash can get on your clothing or coat, or shoes, and if you don't wash it off...with something the equivalent of rubbing alcohol, it can stay active, able to cause a rash, for 1-5 years.  that's ridiculous!  it's from hell.  it's like sin.

so now you have a rash.  it itches...you don't want to scratch it except for the momentary relief and rush of endorphins to that area of your skin promised to you by the little devil of a voice in the back of your mind.  and scratching something that itches, in some sick, pathetic way, feels good.  it's weird.  if i scratch my arm that is disease free, nothing.  if i scratch my rash infested forearm, euphoria.  it's like sin...it's from hell.

there is almost always some kind of temporary fix associated with sin.  i know...i get my fix fairly regularly and it is always temporary, and it just like poison ivy.

getting rid of the poison ivy is now the mission of your life.  yet that mission is often thwarted and held up by the itching, which at some moments you do, without even being aware that you're doing it...like when you wife wakes you up in the middle of the night because you are scratching a part of you body so loudly that it woke her up, but you had no idea.

you can't just go into the forest and obliterate all the poison ivy.  you could get some of it, but there is always some hiding where you didn't think to look.  that's how you got it in the first place, unless you're one that wipes it on your face, which, metaphorically speaking, i have done.  so how do you get rid of it...you really can only get rid of the rash, and avoid the poison vine.  and getting rid of the rash isn't all that easy because it involves discipline on our part.  don't scratch it.  don't scratch it...i said no, but the devil in my head is saying yes...but don't. 

and just so you don't think i'm making all this, poison ivy is just like sin stuff...the bible says something about it...check it out.

some would say, i can't stay away from the poison vine because of this that or the other...and i can see that...i say that too...so in that case it isn't just about staying away from it, but recognizing it...having a friend who knows and sees and can point it out.  for me, it's disc golfing with a friend that knows what poison ivy looks like and where it is, so when i throw my disc into the woods and have to go in and get it, they can help me not get caught up in the ivy.

i hate poison ivy, but the way i scratch it sometimes, you would think i wanted it there...i think some of you can relate.

and everything is burning

you gotta check out kate's most recent post...it's a good one.  it's making me think of my own stories.  i've actually been thinking about them a lot lately.  the things i did when i was a kid, and that includes the kid i was up until a few years ago.  who am i kidding...in a lot of ways i'm still a kid.  but it also has me thinking of stories from the last couple of years...

kate said she is going to start a series of stories of people she meets in madison...i thought i would share a few.

cyndi and i went to seattle for our honeymoon and we made a concious decision to talk and spend time with the homeless we would encounter there.  i remember meeting this guy on a street corner, he was clean shaven and probably late 30's or early 40's.

he started talking to me on the corner and wasn't one to just ask for money.  he wanted me to know that he wanted to work, that he had been in Seattle for a few years, slept under an overpass, and tried to shave and wash as often as possible.  i told him we were on our way somewhere but he would walk with us, so he did and we chatted...after a few more minutes, i asked if he like cheesecake.  he said, "it's my favorite!"  i told him that we were on our way to the cheesecake factory to get a piece and asked if he would like a piece.  of course he said of course.

this is where the story had an impact for me.  as the three of us walked through the doors of the cheesecake factory, this guy is just looking around, all around, and up at the high ceiling...i asked him, and he told me, that he had never been in there before.  we took our cheesecake out on the patio, sat down and ate our cake together and parted ways.

what impacted me was that he had been in Seattle for three years and he said cheesecake was his favorite, yet he had never been in the cheesecake factory. 

i think about this story and at least 3 or 4 others from our trip to Seattle and other times like these here in the quad cities...and i think about how long it's been since i've had a new story like this.  and not to just have a story, but to know that God used me to show someone what He is really like.  i wish i could say this is an every day occurance for me, but it isn't.  it has become less and less.  where has/had this compasssion gone.  but i think it is still there somewhere...

because, the other day i met a guy named mike at st. guiseppe's pizza.  he noticed i had a guitar in my car and asked if played...i was there to study, so my first inclination was to answer his questions in as few words as possible, but he kept asking questions, so i felt like i needed to ask him questions...eventually i brought my guitar inside the store and played a few songs for him and he returned the favor.

mike is probably in his late 40's and has struggled with mental illness and drugs most of his life.  one of the songs he sang was one he wrote about the "progress place" that is now called the "drop-in" and it was so good.  it wasn't something i could ever write or even pull off covering.  his voice was a mix of johnny cash and i can't put my finger on it.  his songs were so much like johnny, but he didn't seem to know that when i mentioned it. 

a couple of months ago, a very good friend of mine gave me a guitar he felt prompted to give me by God, and that was the guitar i had at st. guiseppe's that day, and i felt like mike was supposed to have it, so i gave it to him.  mike came to church last week.  it happened to be the week i was preaching and today i'm going to lunch with him.

i like the way kate put it in her post, about the kingdom coming down, the fire of heaven, and everything is burning.  i take that to mean that you either look around and see nothing, a fallen world, or everything burning in the redempitive work of heaven's fire.  i want fire reflecting in my eyes.

deep?

it's weird how i feel like i should blog about stuff that is deep.  i have friends that do.  i actually feel a longing inside to talk about what is important while my brain is held captive by the unimportant.  can i make a concious decision to blog about the important without coming off shallow about trying to write deep?

i miss having deep conversations with others, other than cyndi.  we talk like that sometimes, but a couple of years ago, it was all the time, with everyone...i miss that so much...i could feel my brain hurting sometimes, stretching to understand and keep up.  now i feel my mind shrinking.

i think of my friend adam cleaveland, who just got married, congrats...we started thinking about all that postmodern stuff around the same time...he is now pretty much done with a masters at princeton and majorly involved with the emergent movement.  his mind and heart has continued to grow.  i feel like my mind and heart have shrunk.  i feel i have less compassion for people now than i did five, four, three or even two years ago.  why do i think this...because now, when i see a guy standing on the corner asking for money...i want to give him what i have in my pocket, but only if it will leave me enough to get the starbucks i had my mind set on, and that is bull.  that isn't who i set out to be and i don't think it's who Jesus set me out to be.

so now what?  that's where i am.  now what?  "now my eyes are fixed on you, and i can't look away, cause all this heart was made to do is to offer highest praise."  i love that line from jared anderson's new song 'revolve'.

over the last two years i have become less and less sure of who i am...james macdonald has a new book called 'downpour' i started to read in borders and it is speaking some truth...i need to have some personal revival in my heart.  i love Jesus, but i need a new way of loving him.  i suck at consistant long term intimacy.  it is true in my relationships and it is true with God.  i get close for a time and then wander.  it is almost like living off of interest.

the way i was meeting Jesus a few years ago is how i want to meet him now.  i'm not trying to glorify that time, but i know that i was daily growing and learning, and now i feel like i have cement boots, and i'm hoping not to fall in the river with them on.  but then again...maybe i need to...let go.  drown.  a water burial.  and rise again to new life from the deep.

where i want to be

the new banner says a little bit about "where i want to be".  i want to be in a place that i wake up every day wanting to be awake and wanting to live fully.  live fully in the ministry i'm blessed with.  live fully in my marriage and family.  i want to want to do what i'm doing. 

it doesn't mean i have to go to a place that looks like the new banner, but sometimes i feel like i need some kind of reset button.  i need some way of figuring out who i am.  i feel like so often i am trying to figure out who i'm not.  and that usually happens from ending up doing something that shows me who i'm not.

so what do i do to find these things out.  i read my bible and pray.  i ask my friends.  i ask mentors.  but when it comes down to it...God has to tell me who i am, and i have to be willing to listen to him and obey what he has to say.  i read and re-read romans 8 yesterday...you should check it out.  it tells us who we are if we know Jesus.  at certain verses i feel like i don't know Jesus and at others i am so encourage that i know him.   

i know that the better we know Jesus, the better we seem to know ourselves...so i need to know Jesus better.

so here are some things i know:

1. my heart longs to be intimately connected to Jesus
2. i love to sing to him and to use singing to lead others
3. i want to be in ministry that integrates cyndi more

i should know more things, but i don't right now.

winter pics: 2

so who ever feels like this bus?