deep?

it's weird how i feel like i should blog about stuff that is deep.  i have friends that do.  i actually feel a longing inside to talk about what is important while my brain is held captive by the unimportant.  can i make a concious decision to blog about the important without coming off shallow about trying to write deep?

i miss having deep conversations with others, other than cyndi.  we talk like that sometimes, but a couple of years ago, it was all the time, with everyone...i miss that so much...i could feel my brain hurting sometimes, stretching to understand and keep up.  now i feel my mind shrinking.

i think of my friend adam cleaveland, who just got married, congrats...we started thinking about all that postmodern stuff around the same time...he is now pretty much done with a masters at princeton and majorly involved with the emergent movement.  his mind and heart has continued to grow.  i feel like my mind and heart have shrunk.  i feel i have less compassion for people now than i did five, four, three or even two years ago.  why do i think this...because now, when i see a guy standing on the corner asking for money...i want to give him what i have in my pocket, but only if it will leave me enough to get the starbucks i had my mind set on, and that is bull.  that isn't who i set out to be and i don't think it's who Jesus set me out to be.

so now what?  that's where i am.  now what?  "now my eyes are fixed on you, and i can't look away, cause all this heart was made to do is to offer highest praise."  i love that line from jared anderson's new song 'revolve'.

over the last two years i have become less and less sure of who i am...james macdonald has a new book called 'downpour' i started to read in borders and it is speaking some truth...i need to have some personal revival in my heart.  i love Jesus, but i need a new way of loving him.  i suck at consistant long term intimacy.  it is true in my relationships and it is true with God.  i get close for a time and then wander.  it is almost like living off of interest.

the way i was meeting Jesus a few years ago is how i want to meet him now.  i'm not trying to glorify that time, but i know that i was daily growing and learning, and now i feel like i have cement boots, and i'm hoping not to fall in the river with them on.  but then again...maybe i need to...let go.  drown.  a water burial.  and rise again to new life from the deep.

Comments

[Jesse Inkseep]

I know exactly what you are talking about. Both with blogging deep issues in your life, and also feeling at a dry point in your life.

I absolutely love my new job, and after being here a month I do feel dry. This seems to have started when I started this last semister in college. I just seem so busy, that I’m so tired I don’t care. I don’t have the compassion or patients for people that I used to. I actually feel like I’m standing outside of my body going “What the hell are you doing” while my body is taking acting on something. It can be simple like tuning a friend out while we are talking, but that seems to cut straight to the heart and deaden yourself more than you realize.

The blogging issues thing is a second part. This is actually why I stopped blogging. My family started to read my blog, which I didn’t care, it was actually cool because they saw what was going on in my life. But one Sunday while having dinner with my family, my aunt chewed my out for “saying those things.” It was the blog entry where I talked about growing up without a dad. I had just finished Donald Miller’s new book ‘To Own A Dragon’ and it really tore me up inside. I blogged a little about how it felt to now have a father and it caused a lot of emotional problems later in my life that I didn’t realize I had. I felt a lot better after getting it all off my chest, but my aunt ripped into me saying that I was fine, and that me growing up without a dad wasn’t that bad. She said my uncle and grandpa did a ton for me when I was younger. I told her it wasn’t the same, she said yes it was, and hasn’t really talked to me a whole lot since then.

It’s amazing how people think then can tell you how to feel. I give you props for ‘blogging deep’. It takes a lot to admit where you are in life. Putting out there for ‘everyone’ to read.