full circle

do you ever feel like God has brought you full circle?  well right now i am dealing with that.  when i first started out in ministry, my first full time position was as a youth pastor.  i have a bachelor's degree in youth ministry and adolescent studies and i felt called to be a youth pastor in my junior year in high school.  i love kids and definitely want to see them deepening in their walk, worshiping Him with all they have, and bringing their friends to Jesus.  the only problem is that when i started my first position, i didn't really know what i was getting myself into, i had really big dreams, and the church i started at just wasn't the right place for me to "start".  i was only their five months.  i will give a list of reasons and i will break them into "mine" and "theirs".

mine

• i was very idealistic, expecting things to just happen
• i thought that people would just follow me because i was the "youth pastor", i didn't realize i wasn't a strong leader yet
• i changed some things too fast without communicating well enough to get people on board
• i had unrealistic and previously uncommunicated expectations that my pastor would be my mentor
• i was a little hard headed and didn't receive criticism well, i would get defensive and feel attacked
• i was afraid of failure, when i said that failure is one of my values because of what you can learn from it

theirs

• when i did communicate my expectation to my pastor, that he have a deeper relationship with me, he told me i was on his "to-do" list and would get to me after Christmas
• my grandfather died two days before a big weekend youth trip.  when i told the staff about it, they sympathized, then encouraged me to prepare for the big weekend trip, when i wanted them to tell me to stay home.  i wasn't mature enough to tell them i was not going to go, and that i was going to take that time to be with my family
• as i was being hired, the entire worship band at the church got in a disagreement with the pastor, left the church, and i was not told.  i found out months later when i asked, "what happened to the worship band?"
• there was one leader specifically that was constantly undermining me
• there was a girl in an abusive relationship, and he intercepted a letter from the boy to her, and he shared it with the other leaders, and kept it from me.  the parents were a little confused, and when i told the leader if he did something like this again he would be removed, he said he was going to talk to the pastor and that i couldn't remove him
• this same leader cornered my fiancé, now wife, cyndi in the hall way while i was leading youth group and complained to her for a half an hour how if i didn't change i would be fired.  when i shared this with my pastor, the leader was not reprimanded

with all this having happened in the course of five months, i knew this was not the right place to start my ministry career or where i wanted to get married and start my family, so i resigned.  i believe the Lord allowed me to shift my focus to worship ministry and that is what i have done for the past three years.  but i don't think i ever really dealt with all the hurt from that first youth ministry position. 

while i was working at riverside umc in moline, i got to lead worship for the youth ministry, and i fell in love with those kids.  i felt myself wanting to be their youth pastor.  even now, i miss being with them every week. 

i say all this because God may be bringing me full circle.  i am talking to a pastor from mediapolis, iowa, about a youth pastor position their.  it is a community wide position, as it is a small town, and some of the churches share resources.  the pastor's name is john gaulke.  he has been highly recommended to me, by pastors that i trust, as a great pastor to work for and to grow under.  i know in the right environment i will thrive as a youth pastor again.  the reason that i am writing isn't so much to ask whether i should or not, but more to ask for advice for going back into youth ministry, and for your prayers.  i know that the nervousness i am feeling has to do with fear.  i had a real crappy experience last time, and i know that i am now having to deal with the hurt that i didn't deal with before, and i am experiencing some anxiety because of it.

so if you could pray for me as cyndi as we look forward to new ministry, and as we step out in faith.  all you youth pastor friends of mine are more than welcome to comment away, and if you're not a youth pastor and you have something to say, you are welcome as well.